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Fake Meat Lab Creates 4000 Year Old Meatball For You To Eat

By Good Ranchers

May 12th, 2023

Italian grandmothers everywhere are up in arms for this meatball travesty. One Nona said, “Mammoth Meatballs are impastas!” You may feel the same, but don’t judge this cretaceous cook book by its cover. Everyone knows dry aging is so last year. Now we age our meat in glaciers for a few millennia. A new cultured meat company in Australia by the name of Vow has done just that in creating a mammoth meatball.

Is this prehistoric protein safe? Well, the creators of this frankenmeat haven’t even eaten it yet out of fear. One of them said, “I’ve got no idea what the potential allergenicity might be of this particular protein”. Is it necessary? Not at all. The cultured, lab-grown meat movement keeps going further and further to undermine real meat. Now, they’ve dug up extinct meat to try to drive real meat into extinction itself. 

What drives them to take partial mammoth DNA, mix it with elephant DNA, and then cultivate it in a sheep muscle cell? The environment is always the main thing cited for the need of lab-grown meat, but even that synthetically engineered leg might not be one for them to stand on. A new study done by the University of California shows that the climate impact of lab-grown meat could be up to 25 times worse for the environment than traditionally-raised, real meat.

Notice the jump from 500 to 1400 on the left side of the graph. GCR-PF is over 3x the emissions of the maximum projected bovine emissions by itself.

As the graph above shows, even the maximum bovine emissions are significantly less than the sum of the PF (Purification Factor) of the lab-grown alternatives. The emissions are higher due to the large amount of energy needed to refine and purify growth medium components. These are the components that help cultured meat grow, and since any presence of bacteria can destroy the cultured meat cells, the components must go through extreme processes of purification that rely heavily on fossil fuels and generate significantly more greenhouse gas emissions than real meat. Anyone claiming lab-grown meat has less environmental impact is taking a narrow perspective that doesn’t include all the facts. 

If we scale up current technologies to produce cultured meat, we will be doing a disservice to our agricultural industry and our environment. Emissions wouldn't decrease, but would instead increase anywhere from 4 to 25 times based on this study. Yes, a mammoth meatball is hilarious. It’s a great punchline at the end of a joke, but the problem is these aren’t jokes but real scientific experiments informing an industry hard set on a process to grow meat in a lab and harm the planet and farmers worldwide in the process. We should be wise and efficient in the use of our resources, and this new study clearly shows lab-grown meat will undermine a key American industry and replace an agricultural system that’s one of the best in the world with an inferior substitute.
A meatball made from flesh cultivated using the DNA of an extinct woolly mammoth is presented at NEMO Science Museum created by a cultured meat company, in Amsterdam, Netherlands March 28, 2023. PIROSCHKA VAN DE WOUW/AMSTERDAM/Reuters

These mammoth meatballs look like old baseballs retrieved from the scary backyard in the movie Sandlot. Lab-grown meat is not a competitor to real meat because they aren't even in the same league of quality or flavor. It's like a little league team going up against the top players in the MLB. Vow may have made meatballs from discovered mammoth remains in the permafrost, but these mammoth meatballs and the entire lab-grown meat industry need to go back in the ice. The only bite woolly mammoth meat deserves is a frostbite.

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